Breathe.

 Breathe.

Listen for my footfall in your heart.

I am not gone but merely walk within you.

 ~Nicholas Evans~

And time passes...

♥ “Each new life,no matter how brief, forever changes the world.” ♥

♥ “Each new life,no matter how brief, forever changes the world.” ♥

It's never gone...

It has been said time heals all wounds… I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting it’s sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it’s never gone…

-Rose Kennedy

7 months...

Dear Aven,

I miss you.

Love,

Mom

I will...

As long as I can, I will look at this world for the both of us.

As long as I can, I will sing with the birds, I will laugh with the flowers,
I will pray to the stars... for the both of us.

Author Unknown

My battle

There seems to be more days now where I don't have time to sit and write my thoughts out the way I used to. I always have thoughts floating about in my head though. Some good. Some boring. Some dark. Regardless of what the thoughts are, they are always there and for the most part are either about my new life, about my daughter or about what is to come. It has almost been 7 months since I had Aven. I can't believe we are well on our way to a year. I can't believe my legs haven't buckled from under me yet. 

Some days I feel exceptionally strong. Nothing will make me cry if I am not welcome to the tears and nothing will make me crumble. I have been there, done that and I have managed to come out breathing even when I didn't want to. Maybe some view it as strength. I had two options if you really think about it. I could disappear and wither away or I could fight like hell. My battle is not over. I may fight this battle for the rest of my life. My battle with grief. My battle with my heart. My battle with my brain. My battle with my soul. My battle with my body. My battle with my will. My battle with my spirit. My battle with my future.

Some days I feel exceptionally weak. Some days my strength is tested and my soul is tired of hurting. Some days my heart feels just as raw as it did the day I knew my labor was imminent. Some days my faith fights the battle for me.  As much as people want to take away my sadness, my hurt, my pain....they can't.

The burden is mine.

The grief is mine.

The tears are mine.

The strength is mine.

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.

1 Corinthians 13:7-8

~ The loveliness I see as I write my thoughts today ~

~ Lola nosing around in Aven's Garden ~

Thinking of you...

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

For today...

Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.

 ~ Oswald Chambers

Love for Aven

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched... they must be felt with the heart.

~Helen Keller~

Aven's Garden now has a marker and a stone.

Love to my dear friend, Flor, for honoring our baby girl.

 

So much love...

I continue to be amazed at the people in my life. Amazed and blessed. For the cards I received for Mother's Day, for the gifts that were mailed in honor of our sweet girl, for passing along Aven's story so the world knows she existed and is still very much loved and for the flowers... love, love, love. Today has been a fantastic day so much so that I had tears of hope and happiness because of those around me. Love.

Eggs in the garden...

We found tiny egg shells in Aven's garden. I saved them and put them in the Easter bunny grandma Yaya left for Aven. I am not sure why the eggs ended up in the garden since there aren't any nests in our trees but for the sake of it, I am going to pretend it all ended happily for all animals involved :)

Surviving you...

Dear Aven,

I managed to survive my first Mother's Day without you. I had a lovely day with grandma Yaya. We managed to laugh a whole lot but we also did a little crying. Grandma misses you so and she thinks of you often. I woke up in a terrible mood but by the end of the day, I couldn't help but be grateful for all that I have at this very moment. I made my usual trip to Starbucks for my usual latte. I have been buying random orders for people for a few weeks now, mostly to pass on an act of kindness but also to hopefully make someone else's day a little better.

Yesterday, with it being Mother's Day, I made it a mission to do something nice for someone with you in mind, only this time I was armed with a little card that I ordered that has your name on it, along with your birthday. I pulled into Starbucks hoping someone would order after me so that I could accomplish the mission I set out to do on the day that celebrates who I am now, your mother. I wanted to let a stranger know that I was your mommy and that I was thinking about you. I was thrilled when a man pulled up behind my car in the drive thru. He had his young daughter in the car with him and I could tell they were ordering coffee and sweets for mom. Two Venti Black coffees and three scones, the man ordered. I am most certain the 6 year old girl with bows in her hair was not drinking coffee and if she was, well Lord help her daddy.  :)  I paid for my order and theirs and gave the Starbucks person at the window my little card with your name on it. I asked him to give it to the man that ordered the two coffee's. He looked at me, read the card and smiled and said absolutely! I drove away before I could see the man's face but I hope that he stopped for a second to smile, to be happy for what he has in his life and to maybe remember that there is a baby girl named Aven, that has a mommy that misses her so.

Daddy bought me a beautiful bracelet with three charms on it. A heart that represents our love for you, roses to represent your garden and your birthstone. Each Mother's Day that passes, we will buy a new charm that reminds us of you. Your dad told me that you will always know how much we love you and even though you are far away, you love us back just the same. I know he is right. It still stuns me a little each time I am faced with how life is now. I wish things were different and I wish you were here but I know for whatever reason that is beyond my comprehension, you were needed in heaven. Maybe one day I will understand. Until then, I will continue missing you...and continue surviving you as best I can. You are my heart.

Love always,

Mom

What Makes a Mother...

I had a lovely day yesterday with D and my family. D and I went for a long walk by the lake with our dog. The weather was really nice before scalding set in about 2PM. While running along the lake I saw a fish jump out of the water. I have no idea why nature amazes me so, more now than it ever did. I sort of feel like it is a little reminder that God is still with me even on days when I feel my will is broken far beyond repair. I had the opportunity to go to mass and dinner with my grandmother, mother and immediate family. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel while sitting in mass because it was the Mother's Day mass. When the priest asked all of the mothers to stand up to receive a blessing, I could feel the hot tears at the back of my eyes. I stood up but it was a bittersweet stand up. I missed Aven so much in that moment. I am trying to not have expectations of today because Mother's Day will never live up to the way I want it to be.

I went through a tough labor. My daughter was born into this world with D standing by my side holding my hand. Even though her heart stopped beating before I delivered her, she will always be my daughter.

I am Aven's mother.
I will always be Aven's mother.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked “what makes a mother?”

And I know I heard him say…

“A mother has a baby”

This we know is true

“But God, can you be a mother

When your baby is not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied

With confidence in His voice

“I give many women babies,

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God,

I want my baby to be here.”

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,

And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child’s smile,

With all the other children and say…

“We go to earth to learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her everyday.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don’t be sad today

I am your baby, and I am here.”

“So you see my dear sweet ones,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home,

And this is where they will stay.

They will wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons are through.

And on the day that you come Home

They will be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,

It is the feeling in your heart,

It is the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth might not realize

You are a Mother

Until their time is done.

They will be up here with Me one day

And know that you are the best one.”

  

author unknown

A smart lady once said...

‎If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.

 

 ~ Elizabeth Edwards



Give me strength...

Last night D and I attended a class at the hospital. The same hospital where I had Aven. I always feel as if I am going back to the scene of the crime or something each time we drive up to the hospital. I am sure it is because everything and anything that has to do with that place will always remind me of the day things changed forever. I don't think I will ever be comfortable being there even if it is for things not related to giving birth. The ironic thing about it all is that each time we are at the hospital, we are surrounded by ladies expecting babies. Last night we were in a group of 26. Do you want to guess how many of those 26 were not pregnant? All of the women were pregnant except me. I should be used to it by now but I am not. It still just makes me miss my little girl. I usually have to mentally prepare each time I know I am going to be around expecting mommies. It is not that I am not happy that they are happy, because I am. It is that pregnant bellies remind me of what I lost and what I will never have again, my Aven. I always say a silent prayer when I pass a person that is pregnant, a prayer that she never knows what I know. A prayer to keep her safe and sheltered from the world that I live in now.

If you ever take a stroll down the labor and delivery wing of any hospital and you see a fallen leaf with raindrops on it taped to a door, it means there is a mother in that room grieving for the baby she will never get to take home. I didn't know that prior to Aven. Not everyone in the labor and delivery wing of a hospital gets to take home a live baby. All things I wish someone would have told me beforehand so that maybe I could have better prepared myself for this outcome...then again how does one prepare for the death of their child? I still have to remind myself every single day to breathe in and out. Sure, the pain isn't as raw as it was several months ago but it still looms about me. I still ask God to give me strength, to walk beside me because some days are just harder than others.

If you have great challenges, have greater faith.
- Leinani Kamaka

Sunny Days...

 A little visitor...

Everything is blooming! (except my toes!)

I love spring anywhere, but if I could choose I would always greet it in a garden. 

~Ruth Stout

Blocks of Love

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.

~ Elizabeth Edwards

Created by Natasha, Aiden William's mother

 http://loveblocks.blogspot.com/

A momento...

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.

~W.S. Merwin

Cara Angel's mother created this picture for Aven. Cara was stlllborn

and now her mother, Laura, designs angel names in honor of the little lives we have lost.

http://www.angelbabynames.blogspot.com/