Steady hands, just take the wheel…

I woke up this morning crying. This doesn’t happen often but when it does it always startles me. I had a dream that I was talking to a man. In my dream I knew the man only outside of my dream I have no idea who he was. He said to me “There is no way around this, mama. You have to go through it” and with those words I looked at him and broke down crying in my dream but in reality I woke up crying too. I decided that it was time for my weekly visit to the chapel. I go at least once a week to a chapel around town. I light a candle for myself, D and Aven, for my little family. Sometimes I pray, or talk to God, cry or just sit and think. I always feel better upon leaving, like if I gain some sort of strength from laying it all out there weekly for everyone in heaven to hear. If the week happens to be a trying one, I visit the chapel more than once.

When leaving today I turned the radio on and One Republic’s Stop and Stare came on. I haven’t heard the song in a year or so but the words in it hit home. I turned it up as loud as I could stand it and just sat there as I watched a dove fly in front of my car. I have no idea why that song was written or what it was supposed to be about but this morning it was about mine and Dan’s journey in this foreign land of grief. I know I am tired of being in this land; it is a lonely place to be. We are blessed to have friends and family who care and will let us honor our daughter as much as we want, but even still with all of the love and support around us, no one will ever understand what it feels to walk in our shoes. Each day I wake up and thank God for the day but I also plead for strength in moving forward. To pick me up when I fall and to steady my shaking hand as I face life head on with a void in my heart. I think I’m moving but I get nowhere…

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...