Still...

It has been 4 months to the day since Aven was born still.

I wake up daily thinking today is going to be the day that the fog lifts. Today is going to be the day that I get a break from being so sad. Today will be the day. I am always disappointed when I realize today isn’t that day yet.  

I am still holding on to the want that the hope and happiness will come back.  If any of you know me at all, you know how much I hate the lack of control. I plan everything in advance. It is tough for me to not be able to plan when the mourning will stop. I can’t set an end date for it. I don’t have any control over it. I can’t will it away yet.

But I am still here.

And for the moment, I will let the grief control me… still.

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10