Happy Birthday, Aven ♥

Dear Aven,

I can't believe a year has come. I have been anxious about this moment for a while now. I think I expected that I would somehow not survive this moment and that I would have been found crumbled on the floor but I am still here and I will survive. I am still not convinced that people can't die of a heartache but I know that I am meant to carry on with dad and your memory. You made me a mother and nothing will ever change that. Today, dad and I will celebrate along with your grandparents, how your little life changed us all. Even though we are sad sometimes, you gave us a new perspective on life and a new hope. As someone dear to us has said many times, we hurt and grieve so much because we loved so much.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...

I miss you.

I love you always.

Happy 1st Birthday, baby girl ♥

Always,

Mom

Sigh...

A year ago today, my water broke and I knew that my journey with Aven was about to end.

Sigh...

My heart hurts today. All I can do is ask God to walk this path with me this week. I hope that one day, my memory of this day won't always be so sad and that one day I will be able to just focus on the happy moments that I did get to have carrying Aven. One day...

Sigh...

A bee in the garden...

Aven's Garden has grown! Each time I look out the window, I can't help but smile.

 

A bee in the garden...

Pretty words...

Just a little something to make me smile, from Grandma Yaya...



10 days and counting...

Dear Aven,

I thought that once October hit that I would be full of words. I thought I would have countless things to say and write about because the month of October is the month things changed for me and dad. But, I am at a loss for words. I miss you more than I have words to describe what I mean. Words are just that, words. I miss you. Dad misses you.

Love you always,

Mom

From Holly ♥

October 15th ♥

Our first October 15th. The day was a very emotional day for me. I really don't have too many words to say about it other than I am thankful and blessed to have the support I have from D, my mother and my friends, new and old.   ♥ Aven  ♥

Tomorrow

Tomorrow should be interesting. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the last day everything made sense in my world. The last time I ate iced oatmeal cookies because that was one of my cravings with Aven. Tomorrow is the last day that I lived and enjoyed being naive. Come Friday, nothing made sense and still doesn't a year later. I know that even as my heart heals and even as we move along in life that my happy go lucky that won't happen to me, will never exist again. Sometimes bad things happen...sigh. No matter how many times I laugh, smile or how many rainbows cross my path a piece of my heart will always be somewhere else. With Aven.

I thought of you...

Dear Aven,

I saw a million butterflies today on the drive with dad...or maybe ten to twelve, I thought of you...like always.

I miss you.

Love,

Mom

I am the face...

I am the face. I am a face. I am one of many faces. My face, after my loss.

October is here!

Today marks the official beginning of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. In 1988 the late former President Ronald Reagan signed a Declaration designating October officially as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in hopes of raising awareness of the millions of families that are faced each day with the loss of a child whether from miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and other infant related deaths caused by illness.

I didn't know this existed until it hit home. My home. I am amazed that when I tell someone new about my loss, that they can relate either from a loss themselves or by knowing someone that survived or is surviving a loss. Once you know, you know. Maybe it is your sister, your daughter, your coworker or your best friend or maybe it is you.

I don't have the energy or courage to educate the way I feel I should. My grief is still my work. My focus. All I can do is let those around me know that I had a baby and she died. I will talk about her. I will remember her and I will always be proud to be her mother.

D and I will celebrate this month by attending a book signing of the book, Baby Dust, written by our friend Deanna Roy on October 15th. This day is the national wave of light day where candles will be lit at 7PM all over in honor of babies lost. We will be in the downtown area of our town with friends, supporters and fellow babyloss parents. This day also is the year anniversary of our attempt to save our daughter. Cerclage day as I remember it. The day the doctors were trying to save my Aven was the day many moms and dads before us were honoring their lost children. Ironic.

October is also my baby girl's birthday...

October is going to be a long month.