Friday, July 29, 2011

9 Months

Dear Aven,

Time keeps passing by yet my heart still remains shattered. I don't feel as healed as I would have hoped to be. Stained glass. My heart is being kept together by my memories of you, the love that your dad has for us and by the little hope towards the future that I manage to find each day. Some days my hope is strong, and some days like today it is only as far as my finger tips will allow me to reach. I miss you.



Wednesday, July 27, 2011

You are my sunshine...

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you
In my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
and I hung my head and cried...

written by Doris Day

When I was a child, my mother used to sing this song to me only she never sung past the first verse. I will always think of my mother when I hear this song or read the lyrics. I hoped I would one day get to pass on to Aven the songs and stories my mother passed on to me. I hoped a lot of things that I never got to fulfill.

Last weekend, I sat with a group of mothers that also had a pregnancy loss. We met with the sole purpose of starting and completing  baby books. It was one of the most exhausting tasks. I didn't get very far with Aven's book. I managed to put all of her sonograms into her baby book. I am not sure when I will have the energy or desire to pick the book back up to continue with the rest of the things I have of her but at least I started. Now, the book sits next to me as I write. I have looked at the pictures a least 3 times since I began. I am still amazed that I was pregnant with her and amazed that I lost her. It is odd. Things like that don't happen to me and yet it did. Sometimes life is puzzling...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

That's the glory of love...

You've got to give a little, take a little
And let your poor heart break a little
That's the story of,
That's the glory of love

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little
Until the clouds roll by a little...

As long as there's the two of us
We've got the world and all its charms
And when the world is through with us
We've got each other's arms

Written by Billy Hill

Friday, July 15, 2011

Pretty Randomness...

Dear Aven,

I love it when mommy's friends leave pretty things for your garden. It makes me smile to know that I am not the only one that thinks of you. I used to worry about dad because I wear my emotions right out there for everyone to see but dad is a pretty quiet man that keeps things to himself. He isn't vocal about what he feels when it comes to you. I talk about you often and whenever I am with dad I never hesitate to tell him what I am thinking especially when it comes to you. I am convinced he is the only one that will ever really understand my words. He always listens and smiles and comments on whatever it is I have said. He and I still think about you every single day but we show it differently.

I realized this the other night when I saw him standing out on the back patio staring at your garden. He waters the flowers often and makes sure everything is always pretty. He pulls the weeds and trims the vines. I know he does that all for you and that is his time and his way of showing you that he loves you and still thinks about you. I could sit and stare at him watch the garden for hours if you let me.

Today I saw the little bunny hopping around or I should say hauling tail because I scared him. I am pretty sure he lives back there now under the passion vine. I think I am getting spoiled because every time I walk out on the back patio I expect to see the hummingbird or the two morning doves or the bunny. Most of the time I am lucky that at least one of them is out there. It always lifts my spirit when I am down but it also makes me want to laugh because I immediately think of Snow white. I have this image of this woman walking around with bunnies and birds and butterflies following her as she sings her way through life. If only life was as easy as a Disney movie.

I miss you terribly today... ♥




Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Aven at the Nueschwanstein Castle ♥

On the Marienbrucke Bridge,
Nueschwanstein Castle near Fussen, Germany
July 6, 2011

Picture taken by Jeannie  

My worlds collide

I am sitting in a tire shop waiting for what seems like an eternity on my car, and I am reading a book when I look down and realize that my worlds have just collided and I love it! I took a picture of what made me realize this and I sent it to D so that he could see what I saw. I realize this sounds strange but the image just made me smile and get teary and feel hopeful all at the same time. I am not a fan of silly baby themed things and would have never given Aven a Winnie the Pooh themed nursery but the bear is wise and the words associated with him stole my heart at a time when my loss of Aven was so fresh.

I will forever associate that silly little bear with my baby girl. I think I am not the only one because the book mark I am using in the picture was given to me by my mother. She knows I read often and when she gave it to me I thought well I guess everyone thinks I like Winnie the Pooh but really... It just reminds me of Aven. So I guess yes, I really do like Winnie the Pooh. Love. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Thank you, Aven

Dear Aven,

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant with you. I am happy that a year ago today my outlook on life changed. Little did I know how much things would change. I am honored that I had you in my life for as long as I did. Thank you for making me a mother. Miss you always...


Aven in Italy

On the Rialto Bridge, Venice, Italy, July 3, 2011

In Piazza San Marco, Venice, Italy, July 3, 2011

Pictures taken with love by J.Tomasek

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Aven in Chicago

For every day that there is sunshine, there will be days of rain,
it's how we dance within them both that shows our love and pain.

~Joey Tolbert