Fifty nine...

59 days until Aven's birthday! I have had several people ask me what my plan is for the day. They wonder if I am going to light a candle or take the day for just me and D or just sit and cry. I will do all of the above. I am going to celebrate Aven's little life no matter how short it was. My plan changes daily but one thing that WILL happen is the tears. No matter what plan me and D make that day, tears WILL be involved. How could they not? 

As of today, I want to have a dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with the people that get it. I want a cake with Aven's name and I want to make a toast in her honor. I want to remember the day she was born every year and just because she isn't living doesn't mean she didn't exist.

I am trying to prepare myself to have hurt feelings because I know there are some that don't understand why I still cry, still grieve, still talk about her. For those, well they won't be invited and I am sorry that my grieving is impacting their life so much so that they have to say it and... Even to those that don't.

I had Aven. She is my daughter. She will always be my daughter... And I will always love her, celebrate her, remember her and talk about her. If that bothers you, I can't help you... I won't alter my grief for you just to make you comfortable.

10 months

Dear Aven,

I have spent the last three days in tears. I can't really say why the extra tears lately. Yesterday, the hospital nurses sent another letter. I started crying before I even opened the envelope. It was a sweet note for us to remind us they haven't forgotten about you or us. I was touched they remembered your name but sad, sad that after 10 months my heart hurts just as much as it did the day you were born. I try my best to focus on the positive but that only lasts for a little while before a memory pops into my head.

Today I had a visit with my eye doctor. The last time I saw him was July 1, 2010. I knew he was going to ask how my pregnancy test turned out since that is where I was when I saw him last, waiting for July 9th to hurry up so I could see if we were going to have a baby. I had to tell him yes, we had a baby only she died. I am pretty sure NOW everyone knows and now I don't have to dread someone asking me about how that whole pregnancy thing turned out.

Maybe that is why there are so many more tears... Or maybe it is that your birthday is soon. Seeing Halloween ads makes me want to hide but the triggers are everywhere...I can't avoid them even if I tried.

I miss you still...

Love,

Mom

Crazy...

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.   ~ Winnie the Pooh

Dear Aven,

I am in line at Starbuck's, and I miss you. It is crazy how random places make me think about you. I miss you more than I will ever be able to explain. It is crazy that I am existing still, without you. It is crazy that I still wake up some days and hope it was all just a terrible dream...and it is crazy when I realize it was all real and this is my new reality. Crazy...

Love you,

Mom

34...

Dear Aven,

My 33rd birthday was unlike my 34th. On the day I turned 33 I was happily pregnant with so many hopes and dreams for you. I can still remember what I wore, what I ordered for dinner and how thrilled I was because it was still sinking in that we were going to be parents. 33 was the year with my greatest joy but it will also always be the year with my greatest loss. Though I miss you every single day, I am hoping I am able to find a little joy, happiness and peace. Here's to 34...

Love you,

Mom

Almost time...

Dear Aven,

I saw the sun rise today while the full moon lingered around on the other side of the sky. I thought of you. I saw a rainbow today before the rain began after a very long draught. I thought of you. I felt the breeze on my face and the temperature fall. I thought of you. I saw that there were 76 days left until your birthday and...I thought of you. I miss you.

Love,

Mom

No relief...

Dear Aven,

I miss you so much that my heart aches. How I manage to wake and go about my day without you here, I am not certain how I have managed to do so for this long. I think about you all of the time. I know it will always feel like this. My heart will ache for you until we meet again. I think some days my heart hurts more than others. I should expect the closer we get to your birthday the more vivid the memories roll in of what I was doing this time last year. I find myself angry and more so than usual. I am angry at myself. I am angry at life. I am angry at God. I am angry at my doctor. I am angry that my life is forever changed to grieve.  I am angry at my situation. I am just so angry... I miss you.

Love you,

Mom