Sunday, May 22, 2011

My battle

There seems to be more days now where I don't have time to sit and write my thoughts out the way I used to. I always have thoughts floating about in my head though. Some good. Some boring. Some dark. Regardless of what the thoughts are, they are always there and for the most part are either about my new life, about my daughter or about what is to come. It has almost been 7 months since I had Aven. I can't believe we are well on our way to a year. I can't believe my legs haven't buckled from under me yet. 

Some days I feel exceptionally strong. Nothing will make me cry if I am not welcome to the tears and nothing will make me crumble. I have been there, done that and I have managed to come out breathing even when I didn't want to. Maybe some view it as strength. I had two options if you really think about it. I could disappear and wither away or I could fight like hell. My battle is not over. I may fight this battle for the rest of my life. My battle with grief. My battle with my heart. My battle with my brain. My battle with my soul. My battle with my body. My battle with my will. My battle with my spirit. My battle with my future.

Some days I feel exceptionally weak. Some days my strength is tested and my soul is tired of hurting. Some days my heart feels just as raw as it did the day I knew my labor was imminent. Some days my faith fights the battle for me.  As much as people want to take away my sadness, my hurt, my pain....they can't.
The burden is mine.
The grief is mine.
The tears are mine.
The strength is mine.

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.
1 Corinthians 13:7-8

~ The loveliness I see as I write my thoughts today ~

~ Lola nosing around in Aven's Garden ~

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