Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Give me strength...

Last night D and I attended a class at the hospital. The same hospital where I had Aven. I always feel as if I am going back to the scene of the crime or something each time we drive up to the hospital. I am sure it is because everything and anything that has to do with that place will always remind me of the day things changed forever. I don't think I will ever be comfortable being there even if it is for things not related to giving birth. The ironic thing about it all is that each time we are at the hospital, we are surrounded by ladies expecting babies. Last night we were in a group of 26. Do you want to guess how many of those 26 were not pregnant? All of the women were pregnant except me. I should be used to it by now but I am not. It still just makes me miss my little girl. I usually have to mentally prepare each time I know I am going to be around expecting mommies. It is not that I am not happy that they are happy, because I am. It is that pregnant bellies remind me of what I lost and what I will never have again, my Aven. I always say a silent prayer when I pass a person that is pregnant, a prayer that she never knows what I know. A prayer to keep her safe and sheltered from the world that I live in now.

If you ever take a stroll down the labor and delivery wing of any hospital and you see a fallen leaf with raindrops on it taped to a door, it means there is a mother in that room grieving for the baby she will never get to take home. I didn't know that prior to Aven. Not everyone in the labor and delivery wing of a hospital gets to take home a live baby. All things I wish someone would have told me beforehand so that maybe I could have better prepared myself for this outcome...then again how does one prepare for the death of their child? I still have to remind myself every single day to breathe in and out. Sure, the pain isn't as raw as it was several months ago but it still looms about me. I still ask God to give me strength, to walk beside me because some days are just harder than others.

If you have great challenges, have greater faith.
- Leinani Kamaka

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