11 months...

Dear Aven,

I woke up extremely sad and a little angry today. I have a feeling October will be a little tough in our home. I try my best to focus on the positives that are happening around us but my heart still isn't at peace with the fact that you are gone. I keep thinking that maybe I would be in a better place if we knew that you were gone because your heart had just stopped beating or because there were issues genetically that would have prevented you from having a full life but that isn't what happened. You were a perfectly healthy baby with a strong heart beat up until I went into delivery. Your death was preventable. One tiny extra ultrasound could have prevented all of this. I know I can what if all day long or if only and the outcome will still leave me here, without you.

I miss you.

Love,

Mom

Infertility speak...

Aven was a long time in the making. She wasn't a surprise pregnancy. She wasn't a whim of a decision. She was planned for well in advance. We didn't have it so easy like most people. My grief isn't just in losing her but in the path that I had to take to get to her. It was a long one and not one that ended the way I wanted. I heard a quote not very long ago, actually it was a line from Grey's Anatomy. One of the characters made a comment "You promise a woman a baby and she will tear her body apart"... I used to keep track of our fertility journey and I found it sitting in my email "drafts". The last time I updated it was when we were released from our fertility doctor to our regular OB. It made me realize how far we have come and how far we have to go. I had to add the rest of our journey, not an easy thing to see especially knowing that when I first started keeping track of it, I was so hopeful and excited...

8/2008-Begin Trying to Conceive naturally
8/2009-First RE (Endocrinologist) visit
9/2009-HSG Test-Found blockage in left fallopian tube
10/12/2009-Surgery: Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy-Left fallopian tube removed

11/2009-IUI with Clomid Cancelled, follicles in left ovary
12/14/2009 and 12/15/2009-IUI # 1 -Femara-18mm follicle- Negative Pregnancy Test
1/2010-IUI with Femara Cancelled, follicles in left ovary
2/4/2010 and 2/5/2010 2010-IUI # 2- Femara-19mm follicle- Negative Pregnancy Test

IVF # 1 and only
5/3/2010 BC Pill
5/4/10 Z Pack
5/19/10 15 mm cyst on Right ovary
6/1/10 cyst at 8mm start Lupron
6/10/10 Baseline u/s-Start Gonal-F 500 X 14 days
6/23/10 Ovidrel, 6 follicles
6/25/10 Egg Retrieval, 3 eggs retrieved-2 mature
6/26/10 Fertilization Report: 2 fertilized with ICSI-6 and 4 cell
6/28/10 Embryo Transfer
7/9/10 2 POSITIVE's on HPT the morning of Beta (5AM)
7/9/10 Beta # 1-HCG 105, P4-98, E2-1098
7/12/10 Beta # 2-HCG 433, P4-127, E2-1693
7/15/10 Beta # 3-HCG 1743, P4-98, E2-2132
7/22/10 Beta # 4-HCG-11,765 , P4-111.7
7/23/2010 6 Wk U/S 1 baby with heartbeat (Est.due date 3/18/2011)
8/6/2010 8 Wk U/S -released to OB
9/16/2010 Baby C is a She!

10/15/2010 Rescue Cerclage due to IC
10/26/2010 Water broke
10/28/2010 Induction
10/29/2010 Aven Lucia was born still

Aven in France ♥

One of my close friends went bike riding in France at the beginning of the month. While he was there, he did something extremely awesome for me and D. It was a surprise for us and one that we truly appreciate and will never forget. He took several pictures while he was riding on Alp d’Huez. I am not familiar with the many tours that bikers race along but he said it was one of the famous Tour de France climbs. During the bike races people paint the names of their favorite riders to ‘cheer’ them on. The first picture is of Cadel Evans who later won the Tour de France race. While he was there, he added Aven and Baby C close to one of many “Cadel” sites. I think it is pretty awesome when other people remember Aven and I can't describe how special it is that as our friends and family move along in life, they carry Aven's memory with them.  ♥

 

 

Pictures taken by B. Akin ♥

Tough...

Today was not an easy day. Spending time with the closest person I know, easy. Spending time with the closest person I know and her newborn baby, not so easy. I miss my friend. I miss being able to talk to her, to joke around with her and to cry with her. I don't work well with change in general and when you add all of this to it well... It makes it tough. I miss my friend but everytime I see her my poor D has to fix his sad wife that comes home crying. I always leave with the reminder of how things were supposed to be. No matter how hard I focus on the reality of it all, I will always still miss Aven. Will it get easier? I am not sure. Will I be able to be around the closest group of women that have known my fertility struggles for the past several years, I am not sure anymore...