Sunday, June 5, 2011

A moment of happiness...

When I was pregnant, D took a picture of my belly every single week. I have pictures from the moment I knew I was pregnant at four weeks and yes, when you get pregnant by route of IVF then you definitely know from the absolute very beginning. After I lost Aven, I put all of the pictures where my belly was visible away. It was too difficult a reminder of everything I had been through and what the outcome had been. I am always well aware that I lost my baby, a mother never forgets that but seeing the pictures where I am absolutely happy just makes me realize how different I am now. It makes me realize how much everything has changed. It makes me realize that I probably won't ever be that happy again. It makes me miss my daughter.

I know that life moves on and I know that I am able to smile and laugh again but my level of joy won't ever be what it was. Once your security is pulled out from under you and your spirit is crushed, I am not sure it is possible to trust that happiness like that will exist again and if it does, it is easy to believe it will just be yanked away all over again.

The first time I saw the picture below was today. It was one of my goals to at least look at the pictures of my friend's wedding, knowing it was the last time D and I were happy. You can see it on our faces. Our only problem at that moment in time was finding a pediatrician. It is crazy how life can change in an instant. It made me happy to see the picture. It made me miss Aven so much that I had trouble catching my breath. I love that there is a picture out there where D and I are smiling and I am pregnant with Aven. A last moment of happiness as a family of three...

Picture taken September 2010

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