Sad girl...

I took this picture when we were in Mainz, Germany last April. D and I were walking down an alley and I saw this spray painted on the side of a building. At the time I took the picture I thought how beautiful and random that someone took the time to create an image of a sad girl crying. Now when I look at it, I can sort of see myself. I wish I knew who created the image because I would love to know what inspired her tears.

Just for Aven...

When Aven died, we had the most amazing support system around. I can't even begin to express how grateful we were and still are for the love and support we had and still have from friends and family. Our house was showered with flowers and plants that continued to arrive for days. We had friends arrive with food and sustenance because at that time the last thing we were thinking was that we needed to go buy groceries. We received gift cards for restaurants, cards with words of comfort and gifts in remembrance of Aven. Now that the shock has worn off I am able to fully see just how much love we have around us. I won't ever be able to come up with the words to express just how thankful we are.

 

My mother is the most amazing woman I know. She is strong, patient, understanding, loving and kind. She was the rock when we needed her to be. She called the funeral home for us, she picked up the death certificate, and she gave me a beautiful remembrance necklace that I will cherish forever. She still holds my hand and hugs me when I cry. If she could take my pain and heartache away, I know she would. On Valentine's Day she mailed a Valentine card for each of us, for D, for Lola, for myself and for Aven. I can't explain the joy I had the moment I saw the little Valentine for Aven. I know Aven watches over her yaya just as much as she watches over me and D. It makes my heart happy to know that me and D aren't the only ones that think of her.

 

My uncle designed and landscaped a garden in our backyard. He created the Aven Lucia Peace Garden in honor of her life and for me and D so that we would have a place to sit and think about her and relax. He laid down stone, dug soil and planted for a couple of days. D helped some but it was mostly my uncle's project for us. He carefully picked out bushes and flowers for Aven's garden. He selected pretty purple girl flowers that bloom the month of her birth, October. He gave us an angel that we placed in the garden next to the flowers and he laid out a bench right in the middle of the purple sage bushes. It is lovely and one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given us. Friday I noticed 2 doves sitting under the bench next to the little angel. I smiled. I don't know what it is about nature but I always feel closer to Aven when I am outside with the wind in my hair and sun in my eyes. I guess it is just a reminder that God is still here and that he can hear me.

 

I know no matter how many tears fall or how many times I need to be reminded that things will get better, my mother, my uncle, D and the rest of our family will be there. I heard a song the other day on the radio called I Won't Let Go and the words resonated...and even days later it is still with me...

 

 

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own,
You're not alone

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we're to small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
I know you can make it

I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts

The Silver Lining

When you think things can’t get any worse, they most certainly can and do. I was laid off Tuesday from a work environment that I loved or rather the people anyway. Whoever coined the phrase when it rains, it pours was most certainly right. Most of the grief books I have read mention a silver lining and that if it is possible to find a silver lining in a crappy situation maybe then moving on and moving forward is possible. It seems absurd to even fathom that something good could have come out of Aven dying but on days like this one, I can appreciate that her little life was great enough to provide just exactly that, a silver lining. If Aven hadn’t of died, it is possible that D and myself wouldn’t be as close as we are today. He is my best friend. I can say this not just using the cliché phrase that married couples use to describe their partner but I can say this wholeheartedly with every fiber of my being that it is true. He is the one that can now complete my sentences before I do. He can read my thoughts. He didn’t have this ability before Aven. Maybe I didn’t let him in then but after the torrential downpour or sadness we have experienced and are experiencing together, something fantastic blossomed. We both know it was because of Aven. She did this for us. Silver lining… I may not have the job that I loved and was comfortable in anymore or get to see my work friends daily anymore but I am looking forward to what the future holds today. Maybe it will be a new job that I wouldn’t have dared apply for or maybe even just the opportunity to dare to dream a little. If I can find a silver lining from Aven, I can certainly find one when it comes to my lack of employment.  Silver linings do exist. I am amazed even as I type this that I can see that today…

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times ~ Anonymous

Aven in Australia

Photograph taken by Carly Dudley
Mallaloo Point Beach

Still...

It has been 4 months to the day since Aven was born still.

I wake up daily thinking today is going to be the day that the fog lifts. Today is going to be the day that I get a break from being so sad. Today will be the day. I am always disappointed when I realize today isn’t that day yet.  

I am still holding on to the want that the hope and happiness will come back.  If any of you know me at all, you know how much I hate the lack of control. I plan everything in advance. It is tough for me to not be able to plan when the mourning will stop. I can’t set an end date for it. I don’t have any control over it. I can’t will it away yet.

But I am still here.

And for the moment, I will let the grief control me… still.

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

The Path...

Before we started on this path, I had no idea what sorrow and grief was. I thought I knew but now that it surrounds me I realize how much I really didn’t know.   It is extremely exhausting.   It feels like I am treading water nonstop and I have been for almost 4 months.  Every once in a while I am able to take a break and breathe and then it is right back to treading water, to hanging on, to barely keeping my head above water, to trying to breathe. 

Since Aven, I have met and become close to several women that have been on this path before me.  They know what the view looks like from my window. They know how easily the tears fall even when you will them away. They know the dreams that haunt you. They know that a broken heart isn’t just an expression of words anymore; it is a real physical pain. They know what it feels like to have your future vanish in an instant without warning.  They know what it is like to fake happiness throughout the day for the sake of others. They know how lonely this road is and even if you have a million people around you it still doesn’t take the void away.  I am walking in their shoes.  It is unfortunate that I met them under these circumstances but I am comforted to have found them. I am not alone in my sorrow. I am walking at their side. I don’t have to explain to them why I still cry. I don’t have to explain the waves of sadness that arise at random times of the day, random instances at random reminders.  They just know.  They were here before me. Unfortunately, there will be women on this path after me...

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day. ~ Winnie the Pooh

Daddy's baby girl...

A few weeks ago I woke up extremely early.  D was still sleeping away. I decided to turn over and watch him sleep for a second. He always looks so peaceful when he sleeps. One of the last sonogram pictures we have of Aven is of her sleeping in a way that mimics how D sleeps. They look exactly the same.  When I realized this I got out of bed and went straight to my desk to pull out the sonogram picture of Aven. I don't take the pictures out nearly as much as I would like. I have to prepare myself each time I look at them because seeing them usually brings tears to my eyes. I did indeed cry but the tears were happy tears.  I am still amazed at how much she looked just like him… feet and all. It made my heart smile. It makes me happy that when I now see D sleeping, I will forever think of our sweet Aven.

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be. ~ Helen Claes

 

Regrets...

I know life is full of regrets and I know regrets are just wasted energy and wasted thoughts but I can’t help but have a few. I am human. I realize now just how human. There are many things that I wish I would have done differently knowing everything was going to turn out this way.  I wish I wouldn’t have had an epidural. I didn’t know at the time that it was going to be the last time I was going to feel Aven kicking away. If I had known that it was the last time I was going to feel her moving or hear her heart beating, I would have paid more attention. I would have taken more pictures of her, held her longer than I did and sung a song to her. In the moment, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was never going to see her again. In the moment, I was too busy crying to get any words out. In the moment, all I could think was that I wanted to be far away from the hospital bed that I was in. I know for a fact that there would have been no amount of time that would suffice for me to feel that I held her as long as I should have because it wasn’t a lifetime and that is what I wanted.

I am still very thankful that we have more sonograms and videos than average at 20 weeks since that is all we will ever have of her. I am thankful that our 19 week sonogram showed a very active baby with the hiccups. I am thankful that D was able to feel her move before she was born. I am thankful I could feel her moving starting at 16 weeks and that I got a whole month of it.

The staff at the hospital we delivered at was great but I hope that the next woman whose heart will be shattered after delivering her child knowing she will leave the hospital with empty arms, that the staff realize she is heartbroken, traumatized, in shock and sad. She can’t make important decisions and it is possible her family that is with her will be just as heartbroken that they won’t be able to make important decisions either. Please be kind to her. Please take pictures of her baby even if she doesn’t tell you she wants them; she doesn’t realize later she will cherish them dearly.  Please take footprint and handprint impressions for her baby book that she will one day put together. Please know that if she doesn’t thank you, she will later when her heart starts to heal.

I know deep down I did the best that I could at the time. I am hoping that by writing my regrets that I will release myself of them. I can could have, should have, would have, all day long but it still doesn’t change anything.

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.  ~ Winnie the Pooh

Forget You, Enfamil!

It is always when things seem to be going “normal” that something or someone has to come along and remind us that our lives are anything but normal. We actually have a new “normal”. Our old “normal” doesn’t exist anymore. Little by little we are adjusting and learning what our new normal will be like, sometimes at the most inconvenient times and sometimes when we least expect it.

We went to get the mail over the weekend. Our mailbox isn’t close to our house really so we drive by it every so often to check it. There was a key in our mailbox indicating that we had a package. It is always exciting to get a package. It could have been anything! I realized when D walked to the car with the package how unfair things are sometimes.  I wasn’t at all excited about the package and actually was a bit stung by it. It was a free package of Enfamil baby formula. I realize Enfamil has no idea our baby died. Our mailbox is constantly full of baby coupons, diaper coupons and now free baby milk. I have already been warned the free diapers will arrive next. I am lucky enough that D usually gets to the mail before I do. He weeds out all of the baby items so that I don’t have to see them or be reminded again that we have no use for those things right now. I have no idea what happened to the Enfamil. I didn’t ask D where he put it but I know it is in our house somewhere, hidden.  

Bless D. Bless him for knowing what my heart can and can’t take. Bless him for having the strength to do the things I cannot. I knew from the look on his face when he realized that I had seen what the package was that he was sorry we got the mail. I know he wanted to make it vanish into thin air. I know that I probably won’t be going to the mailbox anytime soon.  I also know that in time… this shall pass.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Aven

I had a dream last night that I was on a raft floating on some sort of river. I was paddling away trying to get out of whatever dark cave I had managed to get myself in. Along the way when I could finally see the light I noticed the river water was actually lined with floating white daisies.  When I finally floated away from the cave, your great great grandmother and your great aunt Connie were there waving me out. Aunt Connie said to me “See you later, Alligator” and of course I responded to her “After a while, Crocodile” and just as I turned around to wave goodbye to them, they shut the door laughing away. I don’t know what heaven is like but I would like to think that wherever they are, they are laughing away and you are close by chasing butterflies with your two boy cousins. I like to think that there are no tears in heaven and that there isn’t a sense of time so the next time I get to hug you, it will be like not a single second went by since we were last together.  Happy Valentine’s Day, baby girl!

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e.e cummings

Love you,

Mommy