Regrets...

I know life is full of regrets and I know regrets are just wasted energy and wasted thoughts but I can’t help but have a few. I am human. I realize now just how human. There are many things that I wish I would have done differently knowing everything was going to turn out this way.  I wish I wouldn’t have had an epidural. I didn’t know at the time that it was going to be the last time I was going to feel Aven kicking away. If I had known that it was the last time I was going to feel her moving or hear her heart beating, I would have paid more attention. I would have taken more pictures of her, held her longer than I did and sung a song to her. In the moment, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was never going to see her again. In the moment, I was too busy crying to get any words out. In the moment, all I could think was that I wanted to be far away from the hospital bed that I was in. I know for a fact that there would have been no amount of time that would suffice for me to feel that I held her as long as I should have because it wasn’t a lifetime and that is what I wanted.

I am still very thankful that we have more sonograms and videos than average at 20 weeks since that is all we will ever have of her. I am thankful that our 19 week sonogram showed a very active baby with the hiccups. I am thankful that D was able to feel her move before she was born. I am thankful I could feel her moving starting at 16 weeks and that I got a whole month of it.

The staff at the hospital we delivered at was great but I hope that the next woman whose heart will be shattered after delivering her child knowing she will leave the hospital with empty arms, that the staff realize she is heartbroken, traumatized, in shock and sad. She can’t make important decisions and it is possible her family that is with her will be just as heartbroken that they won’t be able to make important decisions either. Please be kind to her. Please take pictures of her baby even if she doesn’t tell you she wants them; she doesn’t realize later she will cherish them dearly.  Please take footprint and handprint impressions for her baby book that she will one day put together. Please know that if she doesn’t thank you, she will later when her heart starts to heal.

I know deep down I did the best that I could at the time. I am hoping that by writing my regrets that I will release myself of them. I can could have, should have, would have, all day long but it still doesn’t change anything.

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.  ~ Winnie the Pooh