Thursday, February 3, 2011

Baby Steps...

I was shattered into a million little pieces. I didn’t know that was even possible, to be so torn and ripped and trampled on. I left the hospital after having Aven with nothing to hold onto but my discharge papers. We weren’t escorted out on a wheelchair with balloons and flowers. There weren’t any congratulation cards or silly pictures taken. It was a silent slow walk on a cold morning out of the hospital. When we got home my wonderful husband, D, ran into the bedroom and removed all of the baby books and sonograms we had so that I didn’t have to be reminded that they made us leave the hospital without our baby girl. I was okay for a while knowing the sonograms and videos we had of her were in the closet until I woke up a few weeks ago and felt angry. I was angry at myself that I let her pictures sit in the closet for so long.
When I was pregnant I saved every single scrap of paper that had to do with Aven. I had IVF papers, charts, embryo pictures… you name it, and I saved it. My plan was to create a baby book for her that I made completely myself. My baby still deserves this from me. She is still my baby but only now...her baby book will be filled with pictures up until October 29th and none after. Sympathy cards will be placed in the sleeves instead of happy congratulation cards… but my baby is still my baby and she still deserves a book.
I bought the supplies to begin. I picked out cute pink paper with delicate little flowers and hearts. I must have walked up and down the aisles of the hobby store for at least 2 hours carefully picking out exactly what I wanted. I would have spent the same amount of time and energy in the hobby store even if she was at home sitting with daddy. I moved her things to my desk and for now they sit and wait for me because I haven’t built up the courage to put her book together yet. One day soon I hope…Baby Steps…
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

Love You Forever~ Robert Munsch

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