Monday, April 18, 2011

Do you have any children?

Today was my first day at my new but old job. The reason I say new but old is that both D and myself worked at the agency that I am now employed with prior...and now I am there...well again. It is actually the agency that D and I met at and there are still many people that work there that know both D and myself prior to our world being shaken apart. We were newlyweds when we left there. Today, I was asked not once but three times the all ever dreaded question a person who has lost a child hates to answer... Do you have any children? The first two times I was asked this question it was by 2 people that I just met today for the very first time. I knew that I was not going to say "none". 

D and I were faced with this question a couple of months after I had Aven and after the words came out of both of our mouths that we didn't have any children...well it made me feel awful and sad and like a liar. I vowed after that first incident that I would never deny that Aven existed. I don't want to spill my entire life story to a stranger but I can't just say "none" and I won't ever again say "none". To the 2 strangers that I met today, that I will see daily now at my new job, when they asked "Do you have any children?" answer to them and to anyone that asks me from now on will be that "I don't have any living children". To the 3rd person that asked me this today, because she knew both D and myself I told her briefly about Aven.

I know every mother that has lost a child has their own way of how they handle this question and that there is no right or wrong way to go about it. I knew I was going to be asked this question at some point today so I braced myself for it. Maybe if I say it often won't catch in my throat when I say the words out loud next time. Saying them in my head and hearing them come out of my mouth to an actual person are a nice little welcome to your new life sort of moment... unreal.

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