Sunday, April 3, 2011


For the most part I can talk myself out of any dark hole I have fallen into. You could call it survival mode or you could just call it my normalcy now. Life really isn't fair sometimes. I know I keep saying this but I have to. I have to remind myself of this over and over again when I get the wind knocked out of me. It will happen from time to time. Life will move along and people are still going to go about their happy little lives as they should be. Their world wasn't the one that came crashing down so therefore there is no reason for them to stop going about their day to day activities. They should live. They should celebrate. They should be happy otherwise what is the point of all of this...

I think sometimes the people that I was most closest to before all of this happened wish they could hide under a rock until I am back to whatever my normal self is going to be; once I eventually get there. Sometimes I too want to hide under a rock just so I don't have to be reminded of anything that I don't feel like being reminded about but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. Life moves forward. Friends and relationships that I have had for years will come and go now. I really didn't think it was possible to lose friends after losing a baby. Not my friends anyway...

Sure I have read the statistics that relationships, mainly marriages, suffer and sometimes end after a baby dies but the exact opposite happened for me and D. We held on to each other tightly because we were the only two that totally got each others pain and therefore can truly appreciate when we manage to laugh and smile together. Besides, statistics are crap. When you are on the losing end of a statistic and part of the percent of the group that failed...well your thought process on how you read those will forever be skewed. When the Dr or anyone tells me now that there is a 99 percent chance that things will work out next time my first thought will be well that is just freaking great because that means there is still 1 percent opportunity for failure. 1 percent is a lot when you are the 1 percent, and when it involves your heart those numbers won't and don't bring comfort.

I really wasn't aware that my friendships were going to suffer or that statistics had anything to do with them but low and behold...I see it happening. I won't even sit here and pretend that I am not at fault at all. I am. Sometimes I don't want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be. Sometimes being social requires a lot of energy from me. Sometimes it is easy breezy. Sometimes I can't wait to hang out. My poor friends really won't know what my mood will be like that day and I really can't blame some of them at all for just running the other way.

Maybe that reason season email that floats around every other month or so really is true. Some friends come into your life for a reason and only stay a season and some stay forever. I would like to hope that if someone I hold dear to me walks in my shoes one day in the future that I would be the friend that stayed forever.

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

1 comment:

  1. Samantha PattersonApril 3, 2011 at 11:30 PM

    Hello beautiful! I have been really inspired, saddened, happy, blessed, and amazed at your blog here. I know at least for me, writing my feelings down always helps me. It doesn't take the pain or confusion away but it does make me feel better for some reason. I think you are so brave to be sharing these such personal feelings with us. Thank you for doing that. I'm sure i'm speaking for most people...if there was something I could do to lighten your lessen your pain I would do it. What a blessing not only was Aven to you and Daniel...but what a blessing for her to have such wonderful, loving parents. Love you April!!!