Angry

I knew anger was going go rear its ugly head again at some point and today it is here. I woke up angry. I am angry that I am not in labor right now. I am angry that I went through a very emotional, long, expensive IVF journey only to have a broken heart in the end. I am angry that my close friends are on a great journey to motherhood and God willing will have healthy babies and I can't enjoy their pregnancies with them as I would like because it hurts me too much. I am angry that I will always have two scars on my wrists from the hospital IV and that when I see them I will always remember that the scar on my right wrist was from the rescue attempt to save Aven and the scar on my left wrist was when we lost her. I am so very angry and I have no one to be angry at and no one to blame. Life just plain sucks sometimes. I realize being angry will get me no where and most days I can stifle it and convince myself that life is bound to turn around and be wonderful again but today is not one of those days.

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life

and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all;

This, too, shall pass.

Ann Landers

Aven in Florida

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me emotionally. D was finally able to meet the group of girls that have been my support through this craziness that is now my life. Even though he didn't say much amongst the girl talk, it made me feel great to have him there listening in on what we talk about. I ramble to D about anything and everything these days and I hope that after listening to the others rambles that he gets a glimpse into their lives and gets to know them the way I do. Those girls, whether they know it or not, have been a lifeline for me even though I only see them every other week. They are strong, brilliant, brave women who are learning to walk their own new normal and I am blessed to have them here as we all learn to walk this shaky road together.

After leaving the group of girls we had a couple photo session. One of our dear friends nominated our love story into a contest and we surprisingly won. The photographer was absolutely awesome. She traveled around the town with us photographing what I am sure to be fantastic images and ones that I will hold dear to my heart forever, our first family portrait. Even though Aven wasn't physically there for us to hold, she was still there. The necklace I wore during the photo session has some of Aven's ashes in it. For some that may sound morbid but I don't care. For me, it is comforting that where I go, she goes. Sitting on a cliff by the 360 bridge overlooking the lake with the sun setting and the wind blowing, and the Laurel trees blooming purple flowers, yes she was there. It was bittersweet but amazing.

Finally, before going to bed, my sister sent me a picture. She said she was walking along the beach and while there she thought of Aven. I hadn't expected for Aven to be in Florida and it made me so incredibly happy that she was. I know for some it may seem odd that I would want her name everywhere but this is my grief journey and I have found it healing in some way and proud. Proud that by my talking about her and writing about her that others think and write about her too. I am still her mother and I am proud of that.  I hope Aven travels everywhere. In less than a month, Aven will be in Germany! Thanks Ash, I can't even begin to tell you how much your words and picture touched mine and D's hearts.

Aven in Florida

Photo taken by Aven's Aunt, Ash

Friday

19 weeks. It has been 19 weeks since our lives changed forever. 19 weeks since I left the hospital empty handed. 19 weeks means the end is coming near. Next Friday will mark the 20 week mark since I delivered Aven. The rest of the race is still going and next Friday everyone will have crossed the finish line but me and Aven. I am not sure if I am more scared that my due date is coming, or relieved or sad or all of the above. I am not sure what to expect from March 18th. Every Friday that passed while I was pregnant was a milestone for us. Friday used to be a great day. It was another week into our pregnancy. Because we did IVF we knew exactly how many days and weeks I was and Friday was the magic day. Fridays now are dreary and hard. Each Friday that passes now is another day further from Aven. She was born on a Friday. On the exact 20 week day of my pregnancy. This is the last Friday before my due date. What happens after I pass Aven's due date? When will I stop counting the days in week format? Before I got pregnant with Aven I never counted the weeks. Every Friday that passes now, will I always count how long it has been or how much time has passed since my heart shattered? Friday will never be the same to me again. It was once the happiest day of the week for me and now on the very opposite end of the spectrum, it is the saddest day of the week for me.

The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike.

It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.

~ Helen Keller

Aven in California

As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you. As you brushed against

 

this world so gently, you lifted us.  ~ T.C. Ring

Aven's name was written by Tiffany L. on a sidewalk in Los Angeles, CA

Who is like God...

When my cousin and her husband delivered their baby boy 16 years ago I hadn’t any idea that their world had just shattered. I was a teenager then but that isn’t why I didn’t understand her pain.  I didn’t understand the void in her heart because I hadn’t lived it.  I know the words out of my mouth at that time were probably that I was sorry for her loss and that she was in my prayers but after walking in her shadow and seeing her world and living the heartache, I realize those words I spouted at the age of 17 meant hardly anything and anything I said wouldn’t come close to making it better.  I realize now that most people really don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a child. It is not because they don’t care and it is not because they are dumb. The reason they can’t understand the pain is because they haven’t walked this, sad to say, worn out path. I am grateful most people don’t know this road because if they did it would mean that they lost not only their baby but their hopes and dreams that went along with their precious child. I am proud of my cousin, Mo.  I pray for just half of her strength and half of her courage.  I see how full of life and how happy she is and it gives me hope that one day I will get there too.  She is a wonderful mother to 3 living children, and to an angel. Today, on Ash Wednesday, I will honor and remember my baby cousin, Michael.  Michael means “Who is like God” and like the archangel I know he is close to his mother and father every day.  Happy Birthday, Michael Aaron!

A Birthday in Heaven

I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I’m sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.
You’re wondering if I’ll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you’re missing me today
I feel your essence near.
God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He’d ordered me a special cake
(It’s Angel food, I think)
I’m getting lots of hugs from God
He’s really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat
Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud
There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet…
The magic never ends
I’ve made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel’s wings
We’ll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don’t blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies


Written by Kris Smith

I needed the hawk to fly...

When I first had Aven, I could feel her presence everywhere. I could watch ducks in the pond swim by, see a butterfly flutter across my path, see a lady bug on a flower...everything around made me feel she was here still watching to make sure I was going to be okay. Now that a significant time has passed I don’t feel her presence around the way I used to. I don’t know if it is because time has passed or if it is because I don’t need her to be here as often anymore to remind me that everything is going to be okay. I drove to the chapel this afternoon with this on my mind. As I was driving by the lake, a large hawk spread its wings and flew in front of me right in my line of sight. It really was pretty cool to see. The words on the radio were from the song that inspired my first blog entry in February. It made me catch my breath a little. I needed it. I needed a little reminder that no matter what she will always be here and so will God and that it really will be okay.   It is easy for me to want to crumble sometimes.   I sort of feel like I was running a marathon and I got to the half way mark and my body just decided it had enough. It quit on me. I didn’t have a say in the matter and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I sometimes feel like I let Aven down.  My only job was to protect her and I couldn’t do it. I know medically there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but my heart doesn’t understand that.   I will never cross the finish line along with all of the other women.  I will always be stuck at mid race at the half way mark. 20 weeks. Even when D and I decide to give Aven a sibling, one person in our family will still always be missing.  So I guess I needed the hawk to fly today…  I needed that reminder that I have no control over anything and that it really isn’t in my hands as much as I would like it to be.

Oh, the empty disappears

I remember why I am here

To surrender and believe

I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world….

Hello World ~ Lady Antebellum

Until tomorrow...

There are some days that I have mountains of thoughts floating around in my brain. I found that writing them out brings a little relief but there are days like today where I just can’t find the words. I can’t find the right word to describe my sadness and my heartache. I feel like I keep repeating it over and over again and even still it doesn’t clearly capture what I am specifically trying to say. Today, I am not going to think about it and I am not going to write about it. Today, I am going to recite a prayer and leave it at that. I may not be Scarlet O’Hara but I can certainly take on her motto and put it off until tomorrow...after all… who knows what tomorrow holds.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept that which cannot be changed;

the courage to change that which can be changed;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Sunglasses

I watched my almost 8 month old nephew play with his dad’s sunglasses for about 30 minutes the other night. He stared at the sunglasses in amazement.  Looking at his reflection in them and trying his darndest to take them apart with such fascination.  He smiled and smiled that he found something new to play with.  He seems to love to play with items that are not his toys and that don’t belong to him…the spoons, the measuring cups, my necklace… anything but the toys set in front of him.  I love this.  I love watching his little face light up when he finds something new to investigate and take apart or break.  My brother used to break all of his toys when he was little, always on accident, and was known to be the “destroyer” and it seems my nephew is right on track. He is definitely my brother’s son.  If I could convince myself to view the world through the eyes of a child today how less bleak things would seem and if my nephew can find such joy in a pair of sunglasses surely I can find a little joy in something today too! I love it when unexpected news arrives and it happens to be wonderful and a true genuine smile forms on my face whether I want it to or not. I have a really strong feeling today that I will smile and be content and that I won’t be able to control it. I will find my own pair of sunglasses…

Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is ~ Yoda

Lost

Today is one of my down days.   I can always tell as soon as I wake up what sort of day it will be.   If the first thing I want to do when I open my eyes in the morning is cry and hide from the world, then I usually know the rest of my day will be a tough one and my strength will be tested.  I usually can’t pin point what triggers the day to start this way. Sometimes it is because of a dream I had, sometimes it is because something triggers a memory and sometimes it is just because I woke up.  My heart doesn’t care if it is a Thursday and that I have things to do and errands to run. My brain cares but my heart calls the shots on days like these. 

I was walking through the aisles of the book store this afternoon when I found a book called “Mommy, please don’t cry … there are no tears in heaven.”  I knew better but I picked the book up anyway.  I read the first page of the book knowing what my reaction was going to be.  It said “Mommy please don’t cry… a beautiful angel carried me here.” As soon as I read that I quickly shut the book.  I felt the hot tears in my eyes and my throat start to burn.  I decided it was probably best if I didn’t have a cry session in the middle of happy chatty people drinking lattes so I purchased the book, took it to the car and had a good cry. The sort of cry where all the makeup comes off and it feels like possibly the tears will fall forever. I am pretty sure no one has died of crying too much or shedding too many tears but sometimes it sure does feel that way.

One of my thoughtful friends sent me a song the other day along with the words. I finally sat and listened to it today. She sent it at the most perfect time…and on days like this it is nice to know who is out there. Thanks M...

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

We Walk the same Line by Everything But The Girl

Love...

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside

~ Unknown