Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I needed the hawk to fly...

When I first had Aven, I could feel her presence everywhere. I could watch ducks in the pond swim by, see a butterfly flutter across my path, see a lady bug on a flower...everything around made me feel she was here still watching to make sure I was going to be okay. Now that a significant time has passed I don’t feel her presence around the way I used to. I don’t know if it is because time has passed or if it is because I don’t need her to be here as often anymore to remind me that everything is going to be okay. I drove to the chapel this afternoon with this on my mind. As I was driving by the lake, a large hawk spread its wings and flew in front of me right in my line of sight. It really was pretty cool to see. The words on the radio were from the song that inspired my first blog entry in February. It made me catch my breath a little. I needed it. I needed a little reminder that no matter what she will always be here and so will God and that it really will be okay.   It is easy for me to want to crumble sometimes.   I sort of feel like I was running a marathon and I got to the half way mark and my body just decided it had enough. It quit on me. I didn’t have a say in the matter and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I sometimes feel like I let Aven down.  My only job was to protect her and I couldn’t do it. I know medically there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but my heart doesn’t understand that.   I will never cross the finish line along with all of the other women.  I will always be stuck at mid race at the half way mark. 20 weeks. Even when D and I decide to give Aven a sibling, one person in our family will still always be missing.  So I guess I needed the hawk to fly today…  I needed that reminder that I have no control over anything and that it really isn’t in my hands as much as I would like it to be.

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I am here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh, hello world….

Hello World ~ Lady Antebellum

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