Monday, March 21, 2011


First big anxiety ridden date. Done. Our day Friday was a somber yet sweet day. We woke up early, ate donuts and took a trip to the lake. My original and only plan for the day was to take flowers to the lake for Aven. Her ashes are with us in our home but I have found that sitting by the lake brings me comfort and I feel most connected with her there so it just seemed fitting to pay the lake a visit. I intended to take a picture of her name with the flowers while at the lake but mother nature sometimes doesn't cooperate and my plan was thrown out the window. Me being the planner that I am, I took a picture of her name before leaving the house so I at least have that.

When we arrived at the lake the wind was blowing like mad. I lost a few flowers on the dock just trying to get started with her name then gave up. If anything I have learned in the last 5 months it is that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. It did make me smile a little that my plan didn't well...go the way I wanted. For some reason anytime something goes awry but manages to make me snicker in the process always makes me feel as if Aven is just trying to get me to smile again. I really do believe that her sense of humor is the same as her dad's. Instead we stood by the bank and threw the flowers into the water. It was a very sad moment for me. I think I expected some finality to come on the day but that didn't occur. I still have the same ache in my heart that I did two weeks ago, and 3 months ago, and 5 months ago. The only thing that has changed is that my anxiety of the "due date" has passed. I am sure the anxiety will come right back when Mother's Day and Aven's birthday approach but I will face that when the time comes. 

I am certain that I will remember every single date that pertains to Aven for the rest of my life. October 14th will always be the day that my world was shaken to the core when it was discovered that I was dilating without contractions. October 15th will always be the day a rescue surgery was done to stop me from delivering Aven. October 26th will always be the day my water broke and I knew it was over. October 29th will always be the day my dreams shattered and my heart irrevocably broke, the day that a piece of me died along with my daughter. March 18th will always be the day that Aven should have been born. These dates will always follow me as life continues on.

It is so odd how the world seems to be moving in fast forward yet for me my world is moving in slow motion. Sort of like Matrix but not as cool.  I still can't fathom that the world didn't stop, or pause or even blink when my world crumbled down around me. I know some women who lose their babies feel this way, that the world had the audacity to keep moving and the sun had the audacity to rise and fall as usual. I wish I could say how dare you world but it really isn't the world's fault. Life moves along and me and D are still trying to figure out how to move along with it. I didn't say move on, I said move along. Big difference.
I am certain a woman that loses a child never "moves on" from it.  She just learns to live around the void that is now in her heart. I will get there eventually. I may not do it gracefully but the important thing is that I will get there.

We had such a huge outpouring of support on Friday. It made us extremely happy that people remembered. We had phone calls, and emails and text messages and Facebook postings. I know it seems trivial to some but when dates like those come and pass, it really does help us to feel people around because the lonliest place on earth is in the house of a grieving couple. I am still amazed at how much love we have around us. There aren't enough words to express how appreciative we are. <3

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you cannot see the shadow

~ Helen Keller

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