Today

Since Tuesday I have had this feeling of weightlessness. I don't mean I lost weight rather a feeling that a ginormous weight or burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Yesterday I accepted a job offer and am thrilled to know that come April 10th when my current job ends, April 11th I will have a new one to go to but that really isn't what caused this feeling of calm that I have right now. It is hard to explain... but even before the job offer came to be I already had a sense of calm or peace wash over me. Tuesday, I woke up, gave myself a little pep talk and had a really lovely day. I know this may sound absurd but it felt like someone put their hand on my shoulder and very gently whispered into my ear that I needed to just breathe. Today, I feel peace. Today, I smile because I want to. Today, I am happy.  I am not sure what tomorrow will bring and I am not sure if this peacefulness is fleeting but for today, I just want to enjoy it.

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one ~ Dr. Seuss

Pep Talk

Dear Self,

Sometimes life is not fair. You of all people know this to be true. Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don't. Sometimes people that don't deserve what they have, have it anyway. This is not my business as my friend Jilly would tell her children. My business is me. Today something great is going to happen for me. Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy today or not. Sometimes it requires effort but you can still choose it to be so.  Even if the something great is just that I get a free upgrade to my latte at Starbucks that is still something to smile about. Today, something great is going to happen!

You may encounter defeats, but you must not be defeated.

~ Maya Angelou

9 candles

I meet every other week with a group of people that share our path. When we first met, we were strangers and now I am certain we are friends. The very first night I met them I felt that I had known them all of my life or met them somewhere else but I couldn't put my finger on where. I thought that maybe I ran into them at the grocery store, maybe I went to high school with them, maybe it was in passing at the Dr's office but after getting to know them a little better I know I had never met these people prior to our first interaction yet their faces are ones that I swear to you are ones that I have known as if they were always in my life. Maybe I was always supposed to meet them. Maybe our paths were always supposed to cross. Maybe it is because we share a connection of a shattered heart on the mend...

If a stranger were to walk up upon our table at a distance and gaze at our world from the outside, he would see a group of young people, some by themselves, some with their significant others, all laughing, smiling and enjoying dinner and each others company. If the stranger pulled up a chair and sat with our table he would still see laughter and smiling but he would also see the heartbreak, the longing and the tears. Some days we have struggles and some days are difficult...hell sometimes even the hours are difficult. Sometimes all we can do is breath in and breath out and be glad we survived the hour and that it has passed. Some days we can't catch our breath or a break. Some days we laugh all day. Some days we smile all day. Some days we hope to hope.

I say this to the stranger, please pull up a chair and get to know us before you assume. We are a group of young people who laugh, who smile, who cry, who get angry, who know true pain. We do not choose to be sad. We do not choose to be angry. We do not choose to cry. We are just mothers and fathers with a child in the sky. Please do not judge us. Please do not belittle our pain. Please respect that we may cry forever. Please listen to our words. Please know that even if you give up on us, we will not give up on each other.

This evening, after D and I left our dinner with our friends I went to the chapel. Instead of lighting my 1 candle for my little family, I lit 9 candles. I lit a candle for Aven but I also lit a candle for Valentina and Bee's mother and father, for Silas and Skylar's mother and father, for Conley and Hadley's mother and father, for Isaac's mother and father, for Madeline's mother and father, for Lorenzo's mother and father, for the mothers and fathers we didn't get a chance to see tonight and lastly I lit a candle for all of the mothers and fathers that are in the hospital at this very moment beginning this very journey.

I found this poem while searching for something entirely different. It really wasn't what I had intended wrapping my post up with but after reading it I had to share it. Every time I see doves, cardinals, wild flowers, something in nature that is inspiring...I always think of my sweet Aven. This Irish blessing is beautiful and I am going to hang on to it so that I can read it on days when my heart and my spirit need a lift.

An Irish Blessing

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...

Aven in New York

A very awesome lady and some of her friends remembered Aven today while in Central Park. My heart is happy :)

Central Park

Picture taken by Deanna Roy <3

Oh Happy Day!

As I was driving around running errands earlier today, I drove past the lake. The sun was shining over the lake, birds chirping and the flowers were blooming. Bluebonnets! How can you drive past a bluebonnet and not smile? I thought oh what a happy day it is today and it immediately made me think of the movie Sister Act. There are only 2 reasons to watch this movie if you haven't seen it already, the first is because Whoopi Goldberg sings while dressed as a nun which is a sight in and of itself and the second reason is because the version of Oh Happy Day that the choir sings will absolutely put a smile on your face even if you don't believe in the words. Forgive the slightly shoddy sound but even this version still made me smile. Oh Happy Day...

Aven's flag over The State Capitol of Texas

Just for you...

Dear Aven,

Yesterday your dad brought the mail in as he usually does now, and handed me a card that was addressed just for you. Aven Carmichael. Before I even opened the card I started crying. It was such a nice thing to see your name written out by someone other than me and your dad. The card was from your Aunt C. She wrote a little something for you as well as a poem about your garden. When the grass finally turns green around your garden I will post a picture for people to see since it really is lovely. I am sad that she will never know you the way I would have hoped. She never got a chance to hold you and see how much you looked just like your dad but even without actually seeing you, she loves you and always will. I am almost certain that even though you never met her, you follow her around and that you know her son, JL.

Today, your dad picked up the Texas flag that was flown in your honor over the Texas Capitol. I have your things scattered in different rooms of the house and haven't yet put them all together. One day when I have the courage and strength, I will put together your memory box with your baby book, the Texas flag, your ballerina dress that your Aunt C bought for you and the baby hat and clothes that were given to you in the hospital. For now, they will remain in different parts of the house until my heart is ready for that.

It may make you smile to know that not only did I stop and let a butterfly flutter past my car for you the other day, but one of mommy's friends also stopped to let a butterfly flutter past him just for you too. Things like that, make me happy.  <3

Love you,

Mom

Bring the rain!

When I woke up this morning I still felt a little defeated from the day before. Sort of like the Incredible Shrinking Woman. Like I was screaming, yelling, waving my arms around and jumping up and down for someone to listen to me and pay attention to what I have to say only my voice was too tiny for anyone to really hear me. After a nice lunch outside on this lovely sunny day with an old friend, my spirits lifted a little. I also received a message from a dear friend that shed a little light for me and at a perfect time when I really needed to hear it. Yes, things may seem bleak and yes I am rightfully allowed and have every right to be angry but it is not all for nothing...so yes, bring the rain!

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Bring the Rain~ by MercyMe

Argh!!

I wish my attitiude today was positive but it is not. I am in a bad mood and what I would love to do is sit in the corner and pout until someone gives me my way. My childhood through young adulthood was easy breezy. Loving family, check. Best friend, check. College degree, check. A career I enjoyed, check. I didn't realize how easy and great I had it until now, now that things are complete and utter crap. I turned 33 and everything just seemed to become so difficult. My baby died, my job went away, my fear for carrying future children has skyrocketted to an unmeasurable level and right now my fear by far outweighs anything else. When is enough, enough? I know people keep saying well God doesn't give you more than you can handle and you will be fine. What I have to say to them is really? SERIOUSLY? How do you know how much I can handle? I am not saying my faith is gone. I am saying that today is a day that it has been seriously tested. God, please walk this path with me today...

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~ Unknown

A Butterfly Pause

I paused for a butterfly today. I literally paused for a butterfly while driving. I wasn't driving very fast to begin with. I was approaching the chapel and was in the parking lot when it fluttered in front of my car. Because I was going so slow to begin with I thought there was no harm in stopping to let it fly on by me. No, I am not a crazy bug lover but I would like to think that Aven would have liked to see it flutter away so, I paused for a butterfly today :)

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. 

 ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

Rambling...

First big anxiety ridden date. Done. Our day Friday was a somber yet sweet day. We woke up early, ate donuts and took a trip to the lake. My original and only plan for the day was to take flowers to the lake for Aven. Her ashes are with us in our home but I have found that sitting by the lake brings me comfort and I feel most connected with her there so it just seemed fitting to pay the lake a visit. I intended to take a picture of her name with the flowers while at the lake but mother nature sometimes doesn't cooperate and my plan was thrown out the window. Me being the planner that I am, I took a picture of her name before leaving the house so I at least have that.

When we arrived at the lake the wind was blowing like mad. I lost a few flowers on the dock just trying to get started with her name then gave up. If anything I have learned in the last 5 months it is that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. It did make me smile a little that my plan didn't well...go the way I wanted. For some reason anytime something goes awry but manages to make me snicker in the process always makes me feel as if Aven is just trying to get me to smile again. I really do believe that her sense of humor is the same as her dad's. Instead we stood by the bank and threw the flowers into the water. It was a very sad moment for me. I think I expected some finality to come on the day but that didn't occur. I still have the same ache in my heart that I did two weeks ago, and 3 months ago, and 5 months ago. The only thing that has changed is that my anxiety of the "due date" has passed. I am sure the anxiety will come right back when Mother's Day and Aven's birthday approach but I will face that when the time comes. 

I am certain that I will remember every single date that pertains to Aven for the rest of my life. October 14th will always be the day that my world was shaken to the core when it was discovered that I was dilating without contractions. October 15th will always be the day a rescue surgery was done to stop me from delivering Aven. October 26th will always be the day my water broke and I knew it was over. October 29th will always be the day my dreams shattered and my heart irrevocably broke, the day that a piece of me died along with my daughter. March 18th will always be the day that Aven should have been born. These dates will always follow me as life continues on.

It is so odd how the world seems to be moving in fast forward yet for me my world is moving in slow motion. Sort of like Matrix but not as cool.  I still can't fathom that the world didn't stop, or pause or even blink when my world crumbled down around me. I know some women who lose their babies feel this way, that the world had the audacity to keep moving and the sun had the audacity to rise and fall as usual. I wish I could say how dare you world but it really isn't the world's fault. Life moves along and me and D are still trying to figure out how to move along with it. I didn't say move on, I said move along. Big difference.
I am certain a woman that loses a child never "moves on" from it.  She just learns to live around the void that is now in her heart. I will get there eventually. I may not do it gracefully but the important thing is that I will get there.

We had such a huge outpouring of support on Friday. It made us extremely happy that people remembered. We had phone calls, and emails and text messages and Facebook postings. I know it seems trivial to some but when dates like those come and pass, it really does help us to feel people around because the lonliest place on earth is in the house of a grieving couple. I am still amazed at how much love we have around us. There aren't enough words to express how appreciative we are. <3

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you cannot see the shadow

~ Helen Keller

Never and Always...

Dear Aven,

Today is your due date.  March 18th.  It has been 20 weeks since we last held you, saw your little face, your little fingers and your little toes. We have been apart for the exact same amount of time that I actually carried you. Today is a sad day for us. Today is the day we officially have to let go of all the dreams we had for you. Today marks the end. We will never wake up to your crying at two in the morning. We will never watch you take your first steps or smile your first smile. We will never hear you laugh. We will never walk you to school or take you to feed the ducks. We will never chase away monsters from under your bed or kiss your little forehead good night. We will never watch you graduate from college. We will never get to see you in your wedding dress.... We will Never forget you. We Always hang up your Christmas stocking. We will Always speak of you. We will Always celebrate the day you were born. We will Always carry you in our hearts. We will Always remember you. We will Always love you.  Love Always <3 Mom and Dad

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new,

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence and often speak your name,

all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake with which I will never part.

God has you in His keeping and I have you in my heart.

Author unknown

Smile :)

I didn't expect today to be difficult, after all it is just a Thursday. I got terrible sleep and tossed and turned all night long. I woke up crying only there were no tears coming down my face. Strange. I think my anxiety about tomorrow is just growing. I would like to think I have full control of it but in reality I really don't. What will be, will be. I am just going to go along for the ride. I decided when I opened my eyes this morning that I was just going to stay in bed all day. I haven't yet done that. Not even on the worst of days. Instead, I picked up my phone and checked my email as I ritually do and waiting in my inbox was a message from our lovely photographer with a video that she put together for me and D. I love random surprises...especially the ones that give me hope and make me smile when sometimes I feel like my smiles have all run out.

Photography and video by Deanna Roy


Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
~ Dr. Seuss

Faith

I dream often now. Sometimes my dreams are comforting and sometimes my dreams are disturbing. Sometimes I wake up smiling and sometimes I wake up crying. Last night I had a dream that I was having a conversation with Jesus. The Sacred Heart of Jesus to be exact. I find this strange but comforting. The strange part is that I can remember exactly what he was wearing. He had the cream colored robe on with the red cloak and the heart smack in the middle of his chest. I don't remember our conversation only that he was telling me that all is not lost and that I will find my ground again. In my dream I was not sure if that was really Jesus or if I sometimes feel that I need him so badly to step in sometimes in my life when things are so terribly awful that I wanted it to be him and because I wanted it to be him, it was. Now that I am awake I am still sitting here wondering if it was him or if I made him all up in my dream and if the words he spoke to me were words that I wanted him to say to me because they were words I needed to hear.

My faith has grown since I had Aven. Some people lose their faith when things fall to crap but I had the complete opposite thing happen. My faith is strong. I talk to God all of the time now. I don't believe God failed me. I don't think he had any control of what happened with Aven. I believe that every single time I cried from the hospital bed to help me, to save my daughter, to take me instead that he cried too because he couldn't stop it all from happening. When I am hurt, he is hurt. When I cry, he cries. I don't think he causes motorcycle accidents that end in tragedy or causes family members to lose a battle with cancer or other ailments. The God I believe in isn't vengeful and doesn't cause pain to teach a lesson. Sometimes bad things just happen and all he can do is sit by and make sure that he is there. I firmly believe that if he wasn't there with me in the hospital the morning I lost Aven and if he wasn't here with me now that I would not be here. I would have lost a battle of my own and life wouldn't have meaning anymore.

He is here. I am proof.

After years of Sunday school classes and years of Catholic private school and very religious grandparents and family members, it took Aven to make me realize that my faith was stronger than I thought it to be and here the whole time even when I didn't recognize it.

Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.

John 20:29

Angry

I knew anger was going go rear its ugly head again at some point and today it is here. I woke up angry. I am angry that I am not in labor right now. I am angry that I went through a very emotional, long, expensive IVF journey only to have a broken heart in the end. I am angry that my close friends are on a great journey to motherhood and God willing will have healthy babies and I can't enjoy their pregnancies with them as I would like because it hurts me too much. I am angry that I will always have two scars on my wrists from the hospital IV and that when I see them I will always remember that the scar on my right wrist was from the rescue attempt to save Aven and the scar on my left wrist was when we lost her. I am so very angry and I have no one to be angry at and no one to blame. Life just plain sucks sometimes. I realize being angry will get me no where and most days I can stifle it and convince myself that life is bound to turn around and be wonderful again but today is not one of those days.

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life

and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all;

This, too, shall pass.

Ann Landers

Aven in Florida

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me emotionally. D was finally able to meet the group of girls that have been my support through this craziness that is now my life. Even though he didn't say much amongst the girl talk, it made me feel great to have him there listening in on what we talk about. I ramble to D about anything and everything these days and I hope that after listening to the others rambles that he gets a glimpse into their lives and gets to know them the way I do. Those girls, whether they know it or not, have been a lifeline for me even though I only see them every other week. They are strong, brilliant, brave women who are learning to walk their own new normal and I am blessed to have them here as we all learn to walk this shaky road together.

After leaving the group of girls we had a couple photo session. One of our dear friends nominated our love story into a contest and we surprisingly won. The photographer was absolutely awesome. She traveled around the town with us photographing what I am sure to be fantastic images and ones that I will hold dear to my heart forever, our first family portrait. Even though Aven wasn't physically there for us to hold, she was still there. The necklace I wore during the photo session has some of Aven's ashes in it. For some that may sound morbid but I don't care. For me, it is comforting that where I go, she goes. Sitting on a cliff by the 360 bridge overlooking the lake with the sun setting and the wind blowing, and the Laurel trees blooming purple flowers, yes she was there. It was bittersweet but amazing.

Finally, before going to bed, my sister sent me a picture. She said she was walking along the beach and while there she thought of Aven. I hadn't expected for Aven to be in Florida and it made me so incredibly happy that she was. I know for some it may seem odd that I would want her name everywhere but this is my grief journey and I have found it healing in some way and proud. Proud that by my talking about her and writing about her that others think and write about her too. I am still her mother and I am proud of that.  I hope Aven travels everywhere. In less than a month, Aven will be in Germany! Thanks Ash, I can't even begin to tell you how much your words and picture touched mine and D's hearts.

Aven in Florida

Photo taken by Aven's Aunt, Ash

Friday

19 weeks. It has been 19 weeks since our lives changed forever. 19 weeks since I left the hospital empty handed. 19 weeks means the end is coming near. Next Friday will mark the 20 week mark since I delivered Aven. The rest of the race is still going and next Friday everyone will have crossed the finish line but me and Aven. I am not sure if I am more scared that my due date is coming, or relieved or sad or all of the above. I am not sure what to expect from March 18th. Every Friday that passed while I was pregnant was a milestone for us. Friday used to be a great day. It was another week into our pregnancy. Because we did IVF we knew exactly how many days and weeks I was and Friday was the magic day. Fridays now are dreary and hard. Each Friday that passes now is another day further from Aven. She was born on a Friday. On the exact 20 week day of my pregnancy. This is the last Friday before my due date. What happens after I pass Aven's due date? When will I stop counting the days in week format? Before I got pregnant with Aven I never counted the weeks. Every Friday that passes now, will I always count how long it has been or how much time has passed since my heart shattered? Friday will never be the same to me again. It was once the happiest day of the week for me and now on the very opposite end of the spectrum, it is the saddest day of the week for me.

The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike.

It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.

~ Helen Keller

Aven in California

As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you. As you brushed against

 

this world so gently, you lifted us.  ~ T.C. Ring

Aven's name was written by Tiffany L. on a sidewalk in Los Angeles, CA

Who is like God...

When my cousin and her husband delivered their baby boy 16 years ago I hadn’t any idea that their world had just shattered. I was a teenager then but that isn’t why I didn’t understand her pain.  I didn’t understand the void in her heart because I hadn’t lived it.  I know the words out of my mouth at that time were probably that I was sorry for her loss and that she was in my prayers but after walking in her shadow and seeing her world and living the heartache, I realize those words I spouted at the age of 17 meant hardly anything and anything I said wouldn’t come close to making it better.  I realize now that most people really don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a child. It is not because they don’t care and it is not because they are dumb. The reason they can’t understand the pain is because they haven’t walked this, sad to say, worn out path. I am grateful most people don’t know this road because if they did it would mean that they lost not only their baby but their hopes and dreams that went along with their precious child. I am proud of my cousin, Mo.  I pray for just half of her strength and half of her courage.  I see how full of life and how happy she is and it gives me hope that one day I will get there too.  She is a wonderful mother to 3 living children, and to an angel. Today, on Ash Wednesday, I will honor and remember my baby cousin, Michael.  Michael means “Who is like God” and like the archangel I know he is close to his mother and father every day.  Happy Birthday, Michael Aaron!

A Birthday in Heaven

I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I’m sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.
You’re wondering if I’ll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you’re missing me today
I feel your essence near.
God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He’d ordered me a special cake
(It’s Angel food, I think)
I’m getting lots of hugs from God
He’s really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat
Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud
There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet…
The magic never ends
I’ve made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel’s wings
We’ll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don’t blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies


Written by Kris Smith

I needed the hawk to fly...

When I first had Aven, I could feel her presence everywhere. I could watch ducks in the pond swim by, see a butterfly flutter across my path, see a lady bug on a flower...everything around made me feel she was here still watching to make sure I was going to be okay. Now that a significant time has passed I don’t feel her presence around the way I used to. I don’t know if it is because time has passed or if it is because I don’t need her to be here as often anymore to remind me that everything is going to be okay. I drove to the chapel this afternoon with this on my mind. As I was driving by the lake, a large hawk spread its wings and flew in front of me right in my line of sight. It really was pretty cool to see. The words on the radio were from the song that inspired my first blog entry in February. It made me catch my breath a little. I needed it. I needed a little reminder that no matter what she will always be here and so will God and that it really will be okay.   It is easy for me to want to crumble sometimes.   I sort of feel like I was running a marathon and I got to the half way mark and my body just decided it had enough. It quit on me. I didn’t have a say in the matter and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I sometimes feel like I let Aven down.  My only job was to protect her and I couldn’t do it. I know medically there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but my heart doesn’t understand that.   I will never cross the finish line along with all of the other women.  I will always be stuck at mid race at the half way mark. 20 weeks. Even when D and I decide to give Aven a sibling, one person in our family will still always be missing.  So I guess I needed the hawk to fly today…  I needed that reminder that I have no control over anything and that it really isn’t in my hands as much as I would like it to be.

Oh, the empty disappears

I remember why I am here

To surrender and believe

I fall down on my knees

Oh, hello world….

Hello World ~ Lady Antebellum

Until tomorrow...

There are some days that I have mountains of thoughts floating around in my brain. I found that writing them out brings a little relief but there are days like today where I just can’t find the words. I can’t find the right word to describe my sadness and my heartache. I feel like I keep repeating it over and over again and even still it doesn’t clearly capture what I am specifically trying to say. Today, I am not going to think about it and I am not going to write about it. Today, I am going to recite a prayer and leave it at that. I may not be Scarlet O’Hara but I can certainly take on her motto and put it off until tomorrow...after all… who knows what tomorrow holds.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept that which cannot be changed;

the courage to change that which can be changed;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Sunglasses

I watched my almost 8 month old nephew play with his dad’s sunglasses for about 30 minutes the other night. He stared at the sunglasses in amazement.  Looking at his reflection in them and trying his darndest to take them apart with such fascination.  He smiled and smiled that he found something new to play with.  He seems to love to play with items that are not his toys and that don’t belong to him…the spoons, the measuring cups, my necklace… anything but the toys set in front of him.  I love this.  I love watching his little face light up when he finds something new to investigate and take apart or break.  My brother used to break all of his toys when he was little, always on accident, and was known to be the “destroyer” and it seems my nephew is right on track. He is definitely my brother’s son.  If I could convince myself to view the world through the eyes of a child today how less bleak things would seem and if my nephew can find such joy in a pair of sunglasses surely I can find a little joy in something today too! I love it when unexpected news arrives and it happens to be wonderful and a true genuine smile forms on my face whether I want it to or not. I have a really strong feeling today that I will smile and be content and that I won’t be able to control it. I will find my own pair of sunglasses…

Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is ~ Yoda

Lost

Today is one of my down days.   I can always tell as soon as I wake up what sort of day it will be.   If the first thing I want to do when I open my eyes in the morning is cry and hide from the world, then I usually know the rest of my day will be a tough one and my strength will be tested.  I usually can’t pin point what triggers the day to start this way. Sometimes it is because of a dream I had, sometimes it is because something triggers a memory and sometimes it is just because I woke up.  My heart doesn’t care if it is a Thursday and that I have things to do and errands to run. My brain cares but my heart calls the shots on days like these. 

I was walking through the aisles of the book store this afternoon when I found a book called “Mommy, please don’t cry … there are no tears in heaven.”  I knew better but I picked the book up anyway.  I read the first page of the book knowing what my reaction was going to be.  It said “Mommy please don’t cry… a beautiful angel carried me here.” As soon as I read that I quickly shut the book.  I felt the hot tears in my eyes and my throat start to burn.  I decided it was probably best if I didn’t have a cry session in the middle of happy chatty people drinking lattes so I purchased the book, took it to the car and had a good cry. The sort of cry where all the makeup comes off and it feels like possibly the tears will fall forever. I am pretty sure no one has died of crying too much or shedding too many tears but sometimes it sure does feel that way.

One of my thoughtful friends sent me a song the other day along with the words. I finally sat and listened to it today. She sent it at the most perfect time…and on days like this it is nice to know who is out there. Thanks M...

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

We Walk the same Line by Everything But The Girl

Love...

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside

~ Unknown